The most difficult part of taking care of multiple kids, I feel, is siblings rivalry, which I would rank as the top challenge.
Growing up with siblings, fighting, quarreling, and disagreements were norms for me. Despite all this, we remained closely-knit, and because of these experiences, my aim is to have at least 3 to 4 kids.
After having kids, I strongly believe parents play a significant role in managing sibling rivalry. While I don’t have a perfect formula, I’m learning along the way. Here are some of the approaches that I have personally tried:
Personal Solutions and Experience on Siblings Rivalry
Siblings Preparation
During pregnancy, I always talk to my baby about having siblings and cousins to play and grow up with. This seems to help, as all my kids love babies and are eager to help out.
I began this practice when I was pregnant with my first child and continued it even before I conceived my second. I’m not entirely certain of its efficacy, but it feels like a form of mental preparation for both of us.
Avoid Creating Siblings Rivalry
I avoid creating siblings rivalry just for amusement, a common practice in some Asian cultures, like saying, “I’ll carry the younger sibling, not you.” I’m grateful my family doesn’t engage in such behavior, as young kids may not understand the difference between jokes and seriousness.
Honestly, I find this practice very detrimental. I don’t understand the need for it. The child may feel neglected or replaced by their younger siblings, perceiving their arrival as a competition for love and attention.
Resolving Fights Without Taking Sides
I don’t rush to intervene in their fights. I observe and listen to how they handle things before stepping in.
It’s not easy because sometimes there are disturbances when trying to get things done. When I asked my husband to try, he also had difficulties adapting. I have to keep reminding him to control and listen before stepping in. Most of the time, the kids manage to resolve conflicts between themselves.
Also refrain from taking sides unless you witness the entire situation. When a fight breaks out, especially if I wasn’t there to see it, I don’t immediately side with anyone. Instead, I listen to both sides of the story and teach them how to resolve conflicts.
I would say this is the most challenging aspect. Even when I try not to take sides, one party will feel it’s unfair. This really requires a lot of patience and explanation of everyone’s point of view.
Comparing
Avoid comparisons. Comparing siblings creates an invisible and unhealthy competition that is unnecessary and it’s also the easiest mistake that parents always make.
Simple phrases such as, “Why do you behave like this when xx behaves so well?” are common examples of comparisons that parents often make. We tend to compare many aspects of our children’s lives, such as their academic results, eating habits, sleeping patterns, and behavior.
While these comparisons may seem insignificant, they can leave a bitter impact on the child who is constantly being compared.
Responsibility
Taking care of the youngest is not solely the responsibility of the eldest sibling, but taking care of each other is. In fact, I also will ask the younger child to help out with the older child. And when I needed help, I will phrase my sentence, “Can you help mommy to take care of xxx”?
Everyone has a role to play in the family. Don’t place all the responsibility on the older children. And whether the given task go well or wrong, praises and acknowledgement has to be given.
Environment
I always strive to create an environment where family is seen as the best support system and a safe haven for my children. Like solving things together as a family, doing things together as a family. Support each other and understand each other differences, strength and weakness.
Conclusion
Most importantly, we must teach them the importance of respect. Understand that everyone has different perspectives, interests, and ways of handling things.
Parenting is an ongoing learning journey. At different stages of our kids’ lives, we have to adapt and learn continuously. I hope my kids will continue to express their differences while supporting each other when we’re not around.
Hopefully, as they grow up, they will be able to stay true to themselves while also being respectful and supportive towards each others.
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