April seems a wonderful month for me, first time busy with baby fair, giving a full 100% concentration after I quit my full-time job. Got a new distributorship with my most favorite brand ~ Simba and coming out our own brand of strollers. Got a new shelving system for my baby fair for my increasing sku.
And I was tested positive on my pregnancy test kit.
While everything seems so perfectly fine and exciting and happy, disaster decided to pay a visit to me.
I start to have spotting one day before my set up day, we immediately went to A&E. All along I have this bad feeling about this pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy and this is what I want. I want a sheep baby, everybody around me knows about it and no, definitely not for the SG50 gift. Anyway, when I tested my pregnancy test kit twice, I got a very faint line, never a strong line like my previous 2, I told my sis my concern, but some how we believe that it may turn strong few days later.
Had my scan done, and the Dr on duty told me that there is no sac. What do u mean there is no sac? I tested positive!!
Of course the Dr run a pregnancy test again and yes it shows positive but a very faint line, again.
So she told me there is only 3 possibility, but 2 out of the 3 is bad, totally bad news. At the moment, I know my chances is not high. Took some blood test and went back home.
I cried. I cried for the moment she told me the possibility. I cried when we are on our way home. Yi He told me why I’m crying? I told her because mommy is sleepy. She said its OK we are reaching home soon.
Not sure how I manage to sleep, but eventually I did.
Set up day…
Totally no mood.. and I know my chances is not high. I’m still bleeding and getting more heavy and I’m getting weaker. Both mentally and physically. Thankfully for my 2 part-timers they are very helpful and understanding. Hubby is trying his best to handle everything including taking care of my emotion.
Do I blame myself?
To a certain extend yes. I keep thinking is this my fault? Did I carry any heavy stuff? But I did sleep enough hours, I avoid carrying heavy stuff, I eat well etc… Thousands of questions run through my mind. But I’m glad the fair does keep me busy enough to prevent me from all this thinking.
Left the baby fair on the 2nd day night to see Prof Han for my 2nd round of blood test. I breakdown in front of him. I thought I have forgotten about it, I thought I have overcome it…apparently not. He said it’s not my fault. Baby is not healthy enough that’s why it wouldn’t stay. Does it makes me feel better? Do a certain extend yes… but I start questioning myself is it because I didn’t control my diet well enough? I have strict diet control before trying to conceive for Yi He and Xin He, but this time round I did not follow back my diet routine. So the self blaming starts again.. But not sure why after talking to Prof Han, I did feel a lot better and I did not cry as much as before.
Mom managed to talk to me in the morning before my fair starts on the 3rd day of my baby fair. She said to me the same thing that what Dr Han have said. She said that it’s not my fault at all and I should think negatively about it. Just take Xin He for example, I still carry boxes, climbing up and down and even have little rest (because I was still holding a full-time job previously) but Xin He was born healthy, with no complications.
All this days, hubby is trying his best to help me overcome all this and I think Yi He sense that I’m not in a very good mood, one morning, the moment she wake up, she just hug me. She seldom do that, the most is just lie on me or say good morning. At that moment, I realized what hubby said is true, at least we have 2 cute little daughters. Is not like we don’t have any child. I’m already blessed enough..
Actually when I’m typing this, I still feel the pain, tears at the brim of falling down my cheeks. I tried so hard for a sheep baby, even stop breastfeeding, but it’s fated that it doesn’t belongs to me. I have a 6 weeks old baby.. before…
When I slowly overcome all this, I came to know one of my SIM friend passed away suddenly.. at a young age of 28 years old. She supposed to have a wonderful life waiting for her, just got married last year Dec, expecting a baby, new house coming.. but things just happen.
Life is just so unpredictable.. Like what I have told my friend, most of the time we take things for granted. For example, I have a smooth conceive and pregnancy stage during Yi He and Xin He time, this time round is a big blow to me. Who will expect this will happen? Sometimes it’s not up to you to decide when you want to have kids, the moment when you really want it, you may not have it.
well.. no more farm family for me, I told my mom I shall have a “Journey to the West” family team. Don’t worry I’m fine. 🙂